


The one with a voice I can stand

by Hrollo



Category: Stand Still Stay Silent
Genre: Friendship, Gen, No Plot/Plotless, POV First Person, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-17
Updated: 2018-11-17
Packaged: 2019-08-25 00:19:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16650670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hrollo/pseuds/Hrollo
Summary: Lalli's internal monologue. Topic: Emil.





	The one with a voice I can stand

**Author's Note:**

> I realize this is pretty similar in premise to Malicei's fic [The Dreamer's Burden](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16621688). Be sure to check that one too for a good (but darker) take on the same idea.

Emil. That's his name, right? Yeah. I've always had troubles with the names of people and things. Tuuri used to tell me that it's rude and that I should put more effort into learning names. She eventually stopped when she realised that was not going to happen. She would still sigh when I would use my own words to describe something or someone, though.

There's something weird about Emil's voice. Took me quite a while to figure out what it was. Because, as it turned out, it's not something his voice _has_ , it's something his voice _lacks_ : it's not annoying.

_He_ can be annoying. His enthusiasm. His cowardice. The stupid faces he makes. How reckless he is with his fire-things and his exploding-things. How slow he is when he runs, how quickly he gets out of breath. The things he says in the dream space. The things he says in the real world that I don't understand but I understand. That weird thing where he punches me and seems to think he's doing me a favor. But of all the annoying things about him, his voice's not one of them.

Everyone else's voice is annoying. Not all equally annoying. Some way more than others. Sigrun's. Reynir's. Ugh. But not Emil's. It's weird to be so used to something, that you only notice it when it's not there.

I remember when we were in the snake-thing. The train. Not the bad one where I couldn't sleep. The first one, the OK one. I was hungry. And Emil brought a sandwich. I remember, I thought "you've just cleaned yourself, now you're going to make a mess again?". But I was hungry. I remember I was looking at him. I wanted that sandwich. Then he started to eat weirdly. Then Tuuri slapped me. Hmpf. Then Emil started talking with Tuuri. So I took the ham from his sandwich, right under his nose. Stupid Swede. No focus.

But then he did notice. Not so stupid. I thought he was going to be angry and then Tuuri was going to be angry and slap me again. But instead he got more sandwiches and shared with me.

I keep pushing him away, but he keeps coming back. Every time he seems to have forgotten the last time I hurt him. He remembers that I did it, but he forgot the pain. He forgot to be resentful. That's not right, is it? I try to stop pushing him away, to stop hurting him. I think I'm getting there? I think I wouldn't like it if he really did start resenting me, if he started drifting away from me.

One time I hurt him really badly. But he was listening to the ghosts. He was going to die, and I was going to die. I had to do something. Maybe I could have found another way? But I couldn't think of one. I didn't have enough time, he was about to step into the darkness. Still wish I could have found another way. And yet, here too he forgot the pain, and came back to me.

I guess I got used to him. I still don't mind being alone. I don't mind the long, dark nights of scouting. But knowing he will be there when I come back, somehow, it makes things a bit better. What does _he_ see in _me_ , though? Maybe he just likes talking, and I let him talk? What's in it for you, Emil?

Maybe he's lonely, and I'm the only person he could get to? I've seen his dream, with the orphanage. He said I've got it wrong and it's not an orphanage. It still looked very lonely. Were you lonely, Emil? You're always angry in your dream. You've got all this food just for you, all these sweet-tasting things I didn't even know existed, and you're angry.

I think I don't want Emil to die. Of course he's going to die someday, everyone does. But I don't want it to be… tomorrow. I want it to be far away. I didn't want Tuuri to die either. But I only realized that after she was gone. With Emil, I know it in advance. And now we share dreams. What does that mean? If I die, what will happen to Emil? Will it harm him? I guess I have to live now. I didn't _want_ to die before, but I wouldn't have cared if I did. Now I do care.

Onni asked me if I made friends. I guess I did.


End file.
